Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I used to work in porn. Now I write erotic fiction. Why "Mommy Porn" makes me see fifty shades of red.

I haven't publicly weighed in on anything relating to Fifty Shades of Grey, mostly because everything I have to say has been said a few dozen times over.  I have a problem with how BDSM is portrayed in the story, I find the publication of fan fiction (especially when promoted as such) to be unethical, and the male protagonist makes my skin crawl as much as the man he's based on, etc.

But that's not what this post is about.

This post is about "mommy porn." I don't know who coined the term, and I'm not going to Google it to find out because it really doesn't matter, but I will say this: the term bothers me to no end.  It does. It drives me batty.

Now, I don't have a problem with porn. As many of my readers know, I did a stint as an editor for an adult film company in the late 1990s. I do not have a problem with porn.  These days, I make my living writing erotic fiction. When I first started writing erotic fiction, people giggled behind their hands a bit, but for the most part, didn't give me too much hell for it. In the last few months, though, I've had more than a few people suddenly eye me like they did back when I would tell people I worked in porn. Because I'm not "writing romance" now. I'm not "writing erotic romance."  I'm "writing mommy porn."  Ten years and some change after I left an actual porn company, I am once again a pornographer.

What I write and what I used to edit? Ooh, boy. Those are two very different animals. The company I worked for produced sex-positive porn involving people who were couples in real life, and it still -- at least to me -- lacked the emotional depth of an erotic romance.  Of course it did.  Watching a porno of two real people who have a real relationship is essentially taking a sex scene out of a real-life romance and experiencing it by itself. Without the back story, without the connection with the participants, without any emotional context to make it more than just a sex scene. To me, that's the difference between erotic romance and porn.  In one, people are performing. In the other, they're connecting.

But honestly, that's just splitting hairs. One man's porn is another man's erotica.  And I really wouldn't have a problem with people calling erotic fiction "porn" if it wasn't for the stigma attached to the word. Especially in American culture, porn is bad. It's dirty, and not in a good way.   It's not something respectable people create or consume. It's a word that is spoken with a sneer and a wrinkled nose, and it's not by accident that that derision implies that the production and consumption of porn is shameful.  Shameful for men, but even more so for women.


And now, with this latest trend, we take it a step farther. In my opinion, calling erotic fiction -- whether we're talking about Fifty Shades or anything else -- "mommy porn" is degrading to both the producers and consumers of erotic fiction. Just think how creepy it would be if we called something "daddy porn." To me, mommy porn has roughly the same ring to it. It just sounds squicky...which is, I think, the point. And that bothers me. 

Honestly, it sounds to me like the literary equivalent of slut shaming.  "You're reading porn?"  "You're creating porn?" And, especially in our culture, "You're reading/creating porn? But you're a MOMMY!"  Because porn is dirty and taboo, and as a mommy...well...how dare you?  It's bad enough for a woman to be indulging in such garbage, but you have children now. As a MOMMY, what right do you have to read something naughty during that hour you get to yourself while your kids are napping in the other room? What is the matter with you, lady?

Here's the thing. It is the 21st goddamned century.

NEWS FLASH, AMERICA:

WOMEN HAVE SEX DRIVES.

SOME WOMEN LIKE SEXUAL MATERIAL.

SOME OF THOSE WOMEN ARE EVEN MOTHERS.

MOTHERS ARE STILL SEXUAL BEINGS
EVEN AFTER THEY HAVE PRODUCED CHILDREN.

So when it comes to the label "mommy porn", I get mad not because it's somehow degrades my art form, or because of some kind of snobbery in which I, an erotica author, look down at porn.  I get mad because I'm sick and tired of it being commonplace and acceptable to shame women -- especially mothers -- for having real, natural, healthy sexual desires, and for wanting to read or view material that caters to that.  

Oh, and last I checked? Most "mommies" got that way by having sex. 


And you know what?  I'd wager that a good percentage of those women enjoyed it.


So who are we to shame them for wanting sex, enjoying sex, and reading about sex?


Think about it.

20 comments:

  1. Thank you, Lori, you've really hit it. <3

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  2. Excellent! Thank you for sharing :)

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  3. Hell yes. I hate the term. I hate that some publicist has decided to tie one of my books to the term.

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  4. I...I think I love you for this post.

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  5. It's a term I'm not comfortable with but I couldn't quite figure out why.

    I get mad because I'm sick and tired of it being commonplace and acceptable to shame women -- especially mothers -- for having real, natural, healthy sexual desires, and for wanting to read or view material that caters to that.

    This is why. Thank you.

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  6. Excellent post, as a mom who not only reads erotic m/m fiction but enjoys watching gay porn I stand and applaud you Thank you.

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  7. 50 Shades of dismay. Haven’t read them but it annoys me that people think the author invented erotica. The good thing: the spotlight is on other authors who are finally getting recognition from all the articles – if you like 50 Shades you’ll like… etc. I hate the expression mommy porn like erotica romance has no plots. People shouldn’t judge what others are reading. Brilliant post by the way.

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  8. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! (Sorry for the shouting, but I think I now have a girl crush on you. LOL) I'm sick of people looking down their noses at what we write and read. Even moreso if it's an e-book and "not a real book." (Guess what? My publisher pays me REAL money for those e-books.)

    We write what we enjoy writing, to give others an enjoyable experience. Are those naysayers jealous we can enjoy ourselves? Probably. Maybe that's why they're such prudes. Ugh.

    THANK YOU again. (Sorry for the shouting LOL.)

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  9. EVERYONE needs to read this. This is exactly what I was thinking – but didn’t know how to express!

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  10. Like you, the term Mommy Porn just pisses me off. I thank you for reminding us we should NEVER be ashamed of what we read!

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  11. In general the word porn is being used to describe anything that a person loves. I run across it everywhere, and I am getting pretty sick of it. There's book porn, shoe porn, dress porn, art porn, candy porn, chocolate porn, et al. None of the things that label is applied to have anything to do with pornography. For example, Botticelli's Primavera labeled art porn, because people who love art will love that painting.

    What people are doing is equating love for something with the sexual desire found in pornography. It's kind of sick to feel like masturbating when one sees a pair of Jimmy Choos. Seriously, if this is the way someone feels about something that is not generally accepted as erotic, then the person needs a therapist not a pair of shoes.

    However, many many years ago, I heard romance described as porn for women. It was used as an analogy to explain why women read romance novels. Women tend to be more interested in relationships which include sex and not mindlessly boinking a stranger. Unfortunately people picked up on it, didn't understand the analogy, and are now using it dismissively. With some people getting their knickers in a twist because they didn't understand the analogy.

    Mommy porn is a new term. I don't like it as it is dismissive as you have said here.

    The whole love for fill-in-the-blank labeled as porn trend needs to go away.

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  12. I get mad because I'm sick and tired of it being commonplace and acceptable to shame women -- especially mothers -- for having real, natural, healthy sexual desires, and for wanting to read or view material that caters to that.

    AMEN!!
    Well Said!

    There is absolutely no shame in being a sexual being, whatever our desires.

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  13. I personally don't mind the phrase, though I understand the viewpoint of those that do. While I'm sure that "mommy porn" was coined by the media, I think a lot of suburbanite women are "owning" it and therefore making a new declaration of their sexuality (even if some of us think that using 50 Shades as a model is misguided).

    And hey, without 50 Shades and the hated phrase, I would never get to hear the word "porn" spoken in a library, in a positive sense. That almost makes it worth it. Almost.

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  14. The term "Mommy Porn" makes me want to punch someone (preferably the person using it) in the face. Or in the throat. Either way, it makes me want to punch them. Hard.

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  15. Good blog. How to take some wonderfully enjoyable books, terrific writers, and the people who enjoy them and endeavour to demean them. Well done to the morons that sit in judgement of my reading tastes.

    Much disdain back at you from a female reader of well written erotic books (and a watcher of porn as well.... all kinds!)

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  16. Awesome post! Totally agree with you!

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  17. You said exactly what I've been thinking about this term. Thank you. As someone who was raised to believe that sex (and my own body) are awful, horrid things, and who has to hide the fact that I write erotic romance from my ex-husband because otherwise he would try to take my kids away (because writing about sex makes me an unfit parent, evidently), I hate the way some parts of our society try to shame women who enjoy sex and embrace their sexuality.

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