Dear Friends, Family, Adversaries, and Bank Tellers,
Where the hell has 2013 gone? Seriously, we were counting down to the Mayan apocalypse like five minutes ago, and then I went into the other room to get some popcorn during the commercial break, and now 2013 is not only here, it’s almost over. Is the cat sitting on the fast forward button again or something?
Anyway, it would seem that the holidays are upon us again, which means it’s time for us to regale you all with our adventures from 2013 and whatever we’re plotting and scheming for 2014. Let the games begin…
As many of you are aware, we have been stationed in the gleaming metropolis of Omahabad, Nebraskastan, since late 2011. After living in Japan, we’ve understandably struggled with culture shock for the past two years. However, with a great deal of effort, as well as patience on the part of the locals, we’ve slowly adapted to the language and customs. I’m fairly certain there are some we’ll never quite get the hang of, though, such as driving ten under in the left lane and navigating parking lots that were designed after cracked-out lab rat mazes. We will continue to try, though.
Also, it’s currently cold as balls and snowing. Beneath the snow, the terrain is dead, yellow, and flat. Stop. SOS. Stop. Supplies running low. Stop. Morale waning. Stop. Get us the hell out of here. Stop.
In the midst of adapting to the colorful Midwestern world, we’ve also done a fair bit of traveling this year. In celebration of being married for ten Earth years, we paid an airline an obscene amount of money to fling us across the ocean in a sardine can at speeds the human body was not designed to withstand, and for three weeks, we charmed London with our quaint American ways and frequent swearing. Somehow, we were allowed to return to our native country at the end of the trip, though we assume this was a clerical error on the part of the customs department.
Whether out of a need to tempt fate and see if customs caught—and corrected—its grievous error, or just an itch to get out of Middle America for a little while, Lori went back to Europe in July, exploring London and Manchester before jaunting over to Poland and Germany. Never fear! She was not without adult supervision. Thanks to her trusty writing partner, Aleksandr Voinov, Lori was always within earshot of a grownup. “Grownup” being the local police and Interpol officers not-so-stealthily following Aleks around to make sure he stays out of trouble. You didn’t think I meant him, did you?
In an unfortunate twist of events—and ironic, considering his lack of supervision—Eddie broke his foot in July. It wasn’t actually diagnosed as a break until October, though, mostly because he kept the injury hidden. He understandably didn’t want to explain to his command that he was injured while bravely and singlehandedly—well, singlefootedly—battling a group of ninjas who were trying to make off with the Sacred Hamster of Omaha’s Secret Society. In the end, though, pain drove him to have his foot checked out, and in order to help the Society maintain its secrecy, he fell on his proverbial sword and reported that the injury actually occurred while falling out of bed. Lori was initially suspected of breaking his foot during a routine bout of domestic violence, but was exonerated when documents—and Interpol surveillance—showed she was in Europe at the time.
In between all of that nonsense, Eddie started working on his Master’s degree in Security Management, which he’ll finish around the end of 2014 barring any further interference by the ninjas and their never-ending quest to obtain the Sacred Hamster. Lori continued to peddle smut, and began co-writing with Cat Grant and Marie Sexton in addition to continuing her unholy literary alliance with Aleksandr Voinov. The cats remain lazy, well-fed, and mildly resentful over our recent travels.
In 2014, Eddie looks forward to studying and graduating as well as taking the Chief Petty Officer exam. Lori will be writing like a madwoman, and at some point, we hope to visit Europe at least once more in an effort to see how long it takes customs to correct the aforementioned clerical error.
We are also counting down the days until sometime between late September and mid-November when we will pack up all our worldly possessions, anger our felines, and relocate to wherever the Navy sees fit to send us. In the meantime, we remain in Nebraska. Where it’s cold as balls. Stop. Please send help. Stop. Hope… fading… Stop.
Happy Holidays, everyone!
Eddie, Lori, Tubby, Midget, & That Stupid Cricket Hiding Under the Carpet On The Staircase Who Won’t Die No Matter What We Do So It’s Probably A Zombie And Is Going to Kill Us All And Eat Our Brains